From Infertility to Adoption, How My Heart Made the Journey

It’s the beginning of a new year, and I myself can’t help hoping that this will be the year our second baby joins our family.  We have been waiting for about 7 months now on the waiting list to be matched with a birth family.  I have to admit that I am starting to get slightly antsy.  I don’t so much mind the waiting, as I just wish to know if and when it will happen.  But, isn’t that how it always is? We want to know what the future holds.  Instead, I should be focusing on the fact that God knows what the future holds and perhaps if I did know I would make a mess of it. So, I will do my best to sit tight, and pray for patience as I wait for God to work out the details.  In thinking back to how I know this to be true, I think of my son and how he came into our lives after many years of longing to become a Mama.  If he was born at any other time, he would not be our son.  That thought breaks me.

At first I wanted so much to be pregnant, to experience our baby growing inside me.  But after 5 pregnancies that ended in heartache 3 miscarriages and 2 ectopics) , I mourned, I got over the it’s-not-fair mentality, I dug deep and started over. It wasn’t that easy, but that is the gist of it.  I pleaded with God to please take our desire to be parents away if that was not what he had in mind. I was tired of hurting, tired of making our every moment of life revolve around infertility treatments: the shots, the hormones, the 6 years of prenatal vitamins for no stinkin’ reason, not taking vacations because we had to be at the doctors and spending every spare penny on more treatment. Every conversation somehow lead to planning around the every two to three day visit to the fertility clinic for monitoring.   It is no fun to live like this for those of you that know.  I was just plain tired! 

Well, my prayers were heard in a weird way. I remember sitting in my OB’s office crying hysterically after coming from the ultrasound that showed our baby had died once again just 2 days shy of the second trimester.  We had been assured that this was it, a sure thing, finally the pregnancy that was going to work out. But, once again that was not true.  I told the OB that I never wished to be pregnant again.  She told me not to make any rash decisions, but we knew right then and there that was the honest, permanent, truth. We were just plain done. God hadn’t taken our desire to be parents away like I’d asked, but he helped us let go of wanting to give birth to our baby and oddly ironically made us feel like that was the last thing we wanted. That is how we fully embraced adoption, not as something we might do someday after having biological children, but as THE way that we would build our family.  It finally felt so right in every way. 

This adoption embracing was a strange realization, as while we were pregnant I will admit to you, and certainly will have to explain this to our children some day, that I remember saying just the opposite.  We were coming home from an adoption information meeting, and I was crying in the car. I was pregnant and hormonal and I have no problem honestly admitting that I actually said to my husband, “I don’t want to have to adopt!”  I feel like God was sitting up there laughing at the absurdity of my comment knowing that he would change my heart and make me want to adopt more than anything. I have to say that if I found out today that I was pregnant it would really throw me for a loop.  I want nothing to do with the constant crippling realistic fear of something going wrong.  I have to say that I have found such peace in knowing that medically speaking there is no reason for our infertility that cannot be overcome with modern technological medicines and techniques. I have seen 50 year old women get pregnant with their own eggs!  I have seen cancer survivors and all kinds of woman give birth to healthy babies when their fertility doctors told them that their chances were slim.  I am not angry or bitter about their success. It just further confirms for me that sometimes there is another plan for you than the plan you have for yourself.  In my case to bring my children into my family through adoption is that perfect plan for us.  I look at my son and I know that it was no mistake that his birth family became pregnant with him. Nor was it a mistake that she choose adoption and picked our family. In my mind, God created this precious boy with big blue-eyes, with his sense of humor and love for popcorn to be in our family.  I don’t know what your journey is. I don’t know where you are or where you should go, I don’t know the end of your story.  But might I suggest that perhaps it has a different ending that you originally sought out and that the new ending just might be the best thing that ever happened to you….EVER!

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